GO Fest Singapore
This past more than one month has been getting so much more intense for me especially after GoForth Singapore. Eventhough the conference is really general because it was organised for all the churches and mission organizations in Singapore. But God still works powerfully in me and my friends in His own way and also through Loren Cunningham message and prayer. I remembered in the conference many times I sneaked out to spent time alone with God, twice I went to public bookstore to read about Mother Teresa's book, "Come be my Light". As I was reading that book or even doing my quiet time alone in Mac'D, I just couldn't hold my tears. I felt my heart was so heavy as if it was going to fall off. He is drawing me into a deeper place with Him. He is calling me to spend more time with Him because many times I tend to run to people and my other "comforts" first but this time I feel the consuming jealousy and thirst of God for more of me to Himself. I feel He wants all of me to Himself. That's means I need to surrender to Him in another deeper level where I've not known before that I had hold it so tight.
I remembered there are times where this process of warfare between my own flesh; "idol" and my spirit was so intense, I thought I can't go on another step. I asked God to deliver me from this idol in my heart. I want to be completely set free to worship and love God with all my heart. He deserves the highest place in my heart, my mind, my soul and everything of me. But God's grace is always sufficient, times when I thought I couldn't go on anymore, His strength and love will comes in and revives me again. There are times I want my own desires so badly that I asked God why can't He grant that to me then God gently reminds me of my prayers crying out to God to remove anything that would hinders my whole heart to Him. He did! Praise God!
Yesterday, God told me, "You can't love me by your own strength. No one can. Only through my grace and my perfect love that flows through you. "He continued on, " Liyien, you said you are passionate for me, your deepest place crying out for my deepest touch but I tell you is the other way round. My passion is so much more for you, is My deepest heart crying out for your deepest place and touch. My heart leaps for joy awaiting for you every morning, every moment. My passion is not the Cross but My passion is you, is My people, everyone. It is this passion that leads me to the Cross and in giving up My life. If anyone knows the fullness of my passion towards each one of them, they will easily and willingly lay down their own life for me."
I cried as He spoke that to me knowing how much broken heart and suffering He carry and longs for us. I had a dream last night, I was in a room with few other people and I was in great pain like I never felt in my life before. No one but God alone was with me. He did not delivered me of this pain but He sat next to me whole time, holding my hands tightly and gently whispering words of encouragement to me. I thank God for this beautiful picture assuring that He is with me and He will be my strength.
What Mother Teresa and Brother Yun, "Heavenly man" wrote really inspired me of pure love for Jesus through suffering. I'm amazed at how they both rejoice over suffering because in suffering they are one with Jesus. I now see suffering in different light. Many times I still fail but I know He will never give up on me and that He will keep purifying my love and heart for Him. A Father Child relationship, is all about receiving from the Father but a Bridal relationship is where we can also share His joy, pain, suffering and heart beat.
Consume me Lord, draw me deeper into You. Purify my heart.
Show me Your suffering on the road of calvary and on the cross, only then will I understand the depth of Your love for me and Your people.
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